| 05.18.2024 |
| malaise |
| There's so much I want to do and yet it feels both futile and ridiculous. I feel so much shame whenever I think about what I want. Not because I think I desire too much, but because of the childish nature of the desire. I say childish because it does not feel aligned with the general idea of an adult's speculative future. I think it's because I don't see myself developing solid and constant relationships with others.
It's hard even wanting to gain both romantic and platonic relationships when I live in a place that 1. is lacking in population, and 2. is not a place where people like myself live. Like yes there are people other than white people here surprisingly, but then when you take into consideration the other parts of my identity.... well... I fear I'm like the only one... And that's why most of my desires for the future look like "I want to learn ___" "I want to read/watch/play ____" "I want to create a ___". It's not like I don't want to make friends or lovers etc. It's that when I talk to someone they ultimately pull out the weirdest most lesbophobic or racist shit. I think maybe that's what drew me into wanting to create a blog. After all, as much as I avoid saying such in real life and in this entry, I do feel loneliness. It's not like I don't know how to deal with it. I think I've come to the conclusion, finally, that although I may be okay leading a solitary life, I don't think it's that beneficial or desirable that I do. And it's something I have to put effort in. I'm not religious or even spiritual or whatever, but I have been the type of person to believe that everything will work itself out and that positive opportunies and situations will come to me by force of an external natural source and not by personal effort, which given these past two years has shown me that that is, in fact, not true at all. |